So, here I sit, with no moon in sight, alone and at home. The lights are off... windows are open... as I sit here and cuddle my cat, Anakin, as the cool breeze moves around us. I sit here, pondering and mulling over my place in this world. My divine purpose. After much thought, my purpose in THIS life seems to elude me.
Now, for those of you who have experienced such an epiphany, I welcome to you join me on the bench of the purpose-less. The deep and dark place of solitude that very few of us want to venture with the thought of "What if this is as good as it gets?"
For those of you that haven't, it is a melancholy conclusion to reach for anyone, as I'm sure you can imagine. It's disheartening and sends your gears turning. Sending your psyche whirling in as many different directions as you can imagine. You think about what you can do to change this path you're on... and you try to fight this realization kicking and screaming.
I, personally, have been kicking and screaming a LOT lately. Wondering about going back to school, finding a job, or otherwise compromising my mental health to get ahead, so that Jeff, my husband, doesn't have to work himself sick and miserable. It really is very exhausting to worry and think about things that are basically outside of your control as much as I have been lately.
I suppose, for now... I will remain lost in this limbo of thought. To ponder and wonder some more on what my divine purpose is. I wish, more than anything, that my Granddaddy were here to give me some direction on my purpose. He always knew the right things to say and do to motivate me in the right direction, despite his perception that I never listened to him.
As always, thank you for reading my ramblings... be safe, and know that you are loved. If not by anyone else, then by me.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
My First Entry... My journal to the moon.
Here I am, at four in the morning, wide awake and pensive. So, what better to do than start a Blog. You may be sitting there thinking "Journal to the moon? What's that about?"... so I'll tell you.
When I was a teenager, I was very angsty. I thought that there wasn't anyone in the world that could relate to what I was going through, and therefore remained secluded to myself most of the time. My only solace was the moon... I would go out onto our back deck and sit, smoking my mothers stolen cigarettes, and talk to the moon for hours. It didn't matter how hot or cold it was out, I sat and talked, just letting things roll out of my mouth to the only... let's say... thing... that I thought would listen without judgment. I spoke to the moon about everything... boys, my feelings, my family, my desire to cut, and even my dog.
I'll be honest, I wrestled with what to call this blog for over an hour, until I stepped away from my laptop and went outside to smoke... not my mothers stolen cigarettes this time... and there it was. The Moon. In all it's brilliance and wonder... my old friend. It then occurred to me that it had been ages since I sat down and just talked to the moon. I don't know now what made me stop talking... just that I did. Maybe it was because I never got a response... maybe I felt that it just stopped listening. Who knows. What I do know... is that it's high time that I did start talking to the moon again... which is the point of this blog. You, my reader, will act the part of the moon... and I... well, I guess I'll be me. Feel free to add comments, or whatever have you. I hope you enjoy my ramblings, as I'm sure that's what they'll be for some time, until I get some bearing on what I REALLY want this blog to be about. Thank you for taking the time to read... who knows, perhaps you'll learn a bit about me in the process.
When I was a teenager, I was very angsty. I thought that there wasn't anyone in the world that could relate to what I was going through, and therefore remained secluded to myself most of the time. My only solace was the moon... I would go out onto our back deck and sit, smoking my mothers stolen cigarettes, and talk to the moon for hours. It didn't matter how hot or cold it was out, I sat and talked, just letting things roll out of my mouth to the only... let's say... thing... that I thought would listen without judgment. I spoke to the moon about everything... boys, my feelings, my family, my desire to cut, and even my dog.
I'll be honest, I wrestled with what to call this blog for over an hour, until I stepped away from my laptop and went outside to smoke... not my mothers stolen cigarettes this time... and there it was. The Moon. In all it's brilliance and wonder... my old friend. It then occurred to me that it had been ages since I sat down and just talked to the moon. I don't know now what made me stop talking... just that I did. Maybe it was because I never got a response... maybe I felt that it just stopped listening. Who knows. What I do know... is that it's high time that I did start talking to the moon again... which is the point of this blog. You, my reader, will act the part of the moon... and I... well, I guess I'll be me. Feel free to add comments, or whatever have you. I hope you enjoy my ramblings, as I'm sure that's what they'll be for some time, until I get some bearing on what I REALLY want this blog to be about. Thank you for taking the time to read... who knows, perhaps you'll learn a bit about me in the process.
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