Happiness

So, here we are on a rainy night (The song “I love a rainy night” by Eddie Rabbit keeps running through my head). Despite the grim and dreary weather outside, I find myself in high spirits. Jeff is off in Illinois for orientation for a new trucking job with Tennent Truck Lines… and though I do miss him, I find my mind occupied with happiness. This is a first for me, as I’m sure you, my reader, are well aware.  These past months have left me feeling bitter and twisted in a melancholy way that only depression can. One thing after another seemed to be happening, beating us (Jeff and I) down into utter submission.  I have fought my way free of this as I read a good book and listen to uplifting music. My mom has also been a substantial aid in this transformation.  She let me borrow this book, you may have heard of it as a movie… called “Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. I can so relate to her feelings… the failed marriage… the doubt and struggle that she goes through in order to become closer to God. In addition I have turned my attention to a band from the 90’s that I used to listen to ALL the time when I was in private school, The Waiting, a Christian rock group. I have searched high and low for the old tape that I used to have of theirs, but it seems to elude me. Thankfully, there is iTunes. I found the album! Now… as most of you know, I am no Christian.  I don’t profess to be, but sometimes I like to sing songs that praise God. So, I downloaded the album and have been blissfully caught up in the words and praise to Our Father in Heaven.

What a difference this mindset has created in me! I see love everywhere; I feel it now, more than ever. I had foreseen this time that Jeff would be gone as dark and miserable… and I have been entirely floored at the happiness that simply wells from me. I feel the creative side that has eluded me for years swelling in the anticipation to write again. To create something out of nothing, whether it be cooking, which I hate, writing, singing, dancing, or just plain dreaming of things to create.

This is a truly exciting time for me. I’m looking for a job again, the first time in years. I want to get out and see people, to interact with other people, and spread the love that I feel swelling from within me. Whether it be with a shoulder to cry on, or a simple smile, I want to share it. SO EXCITED!!!

Also, I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving here in the states. Mine was phenomenal.  Light, and love.

Love and light.

Oh life, why must you be so precarious? Just when I had reached a point of security and happiness over the weekend from being with my mom and grandma, you throw another curve ball in my direction. I was full of love and light, and now, I’m scrambling desperately for funds to stay in the place that I deem “home” before Friday… at which point we will be without a home.

After talking with my mother, at length, I came to the conclusion that I should be thankful for these life lessons that I keep getting bombarded with. I have also come to the conclusion that I should be facing these challenges head on, and with love. “Express love for each obstacle that you must traverse.” To be thankful for the  lessons that I am learning, is something I have yet to learn, but in time, I feel that I will become a guru of all things challenging. I feel I have chosen these lessons to be learned in this life, thus raising the bar for myself and those around me. I am trying my hardest to place my Faith in the Higher Power that puts everything in motion, reminding myself constantly that things DO get better, and that they will. A hard reminder to keep in place, in such hard times.

I suppose the point of this post is to enlighten everyone of where we are, and to express my deepest gratitude for all the prayers that have gone out on behalf of Jeff and myself. They are most assuredly appreciated, as well as the positive affirmations, thoughts and love. I have to remind myself that this is just a phase, and that everything in time fades. Everything, that is, but Love.

Now, off I go to wander the internet and get lost in hypnotic music. Love and light.

Living in this life.

So, here I sit, pondering the meaning of life and what have you again.  The journey I’ve experienced until this point, I think, has been pivotal in all things suffering and emotional. I have learned in great excess to become numb to the daily grind of life and therefore push my feelings to a back burner until such time as it is appropriate to let them loose. This is usually done in the privacy of my room, away from all the strife and confusion of my living situation, with my beloved husband at my side to comfort me and kiss away the tears. I truly don’t know where I would be without him. He has made this “life transition” more tolerable to bear.

To the point of this post: Jeff recently lost his job, and therefore any income with which we might have had, meager as it was, is gone. We have possibly $5 to our names, and no way to pay this months’ rent to help our roommates out, much less any other bills. I find myself during this time flipping back through pictures and documents of my childhood, and reliving the feeling of freedom and the lack of responsibility vicariously. Wasn’t it great when you were a kid, and you didn’t have to worry about money, rent, a car payment, an electric bill, or how to put food on the table? But in the same breath, I personally, couldn’t wait to grow up and be free from my parents (and grandparents) rule. I find now that those were the sweet days, the days in which I could BE a kid. I remember playing… PLAYING… with a stick and a rope in my grandparent’s back yard and being completely enthralled for hours on end. A stick and a rope was all I needed to be happy. Now I don’t even know what “happy” means… Jeff mentioned the other day that I rarely smile anymore… I wonder when everything changed…

What a curious thought to have. “When did everything change…?” Perhaps it isn’t that things have changed, but that I have. I wonder (I’ve noticed I say that a lot these days.) when I stopped seeing the magic in life, in everything around me, and became so numb and cynical. And, is this what it means to be an adult?  If it is, I want a frickin refund!!

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Remember, you are loved.