Living in this life.

So, here I sit, pondering the meaning of life and what have you again.  The journey I’ve experienced until this point, I think, has been pivotal in all things suffering and emotional. I have learned in great excess to become numb to the daily grind of life and therefore push my feelings to a back burner until such time as it is appropriate to let them loose. This is usually done in the privacy of my room, away from all the strife and confusion of my living situation, with my beloved husband at my side to comfort me and kiss away the tears. I truly don’t know where I would be without him. He has made this “life transition” more tolerable to bear.

To the point of this post: Jeff recently lost his job, and therefore any income with which we might have had, meager as it was, is gone. We have possibly $5 to our names, and no way to pay this months’ rent to help our roommates out, much less any other bills. I find myself during this time flipping back through pictures and documents of my childhood, and reliving the feeling of freedom and the lack of responsibility vicariously. Wasn’t it great when you were a kid, and you didn’t have to worry about money, rent, a car payment, an electric bill, or how to put food on the table? But in the same breath, I personally, couldn’t wait to grow up and be free from my parents (and grandparents) rule. I find now that those were the sweet days, the days in which I could BE a kid. I remember playing… PLAYING… with a stick and a rope in my grandparent’s back yard and being completely enthralled for hours on end. A stick and a rope was all I needed to be happy. Now I don’t even know what “happy” means… Jeff mentioned the other day that I rarely smile anymore… I wonder when everything changed…

What a curious thought to have. “When did everything change…?” Perhaps it isn’t that things have changed, but that I have. I wonder (I’ve noticed I say that a lot these days.) when I stopped seeing the magic in life, in everything around me, and became so numb and cynical. And, is this what it means to be an adult?  If it is, I want a frickin refund!!

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Remember, you are loved.