New beginnings.

Hello friends and readers. The time has come for a new year, and a new beginning. School starts tomorrow, and with it new ambition and a new focus on learning and a striving for betterment.

Jeff is in the second month of his new job, and he loves it dearly. Mom and Grandma are doing very well, and are very supportive of my chosen path. I couldn't, and haven't, been happier. And, while I do miss Jeff, I am doing very well overall. My medication is helping, and I've been reading uplifting material. My outlook on life seems to have changed, for the better. I must say, I am extremely proud of myself for this transformation. This... growth... maturity, you might say.

I just can't keep from wondering what Grandaddy would say about the recent turn of events. I wonder if he's up in Heaven, watching all the goings on with that cute little grin that he so often wore. I think he'd say "Good job, Kid, you can do anything you set your mind to. And you're just stubborn enough to do this right." He always was (and still is, to some degree I think...) very good at the encouraging talks. He knew just what to say to make or break you.

I think everyone needs someone like that in their life at some point...

So that's a brief glimpse into my thoughts and mind today kids. Love and light to all of you. <3

Happiness

So, here we are on a rainy night (The song “I love a rainy night” by Eddie Rabbit keeps running through my head). Despite the grim and dreary weather outside, I find myself in high spirits. Jeff is off in Illinois for orientation for a new trucking job with Tennent Truck Lines… and though I do miss him, I find my mind occupied with happiness. This is a first for me, as I’m sure you, my reader, are well aware.  These past months have left me feeling bitter and twisted in a melancholy way that only depression can. One thing after another seemed to be happening, beating us (Jeff and I) down into utter submission.  I have fought my way free of this as I read a good book and listen to uplifting music. My mom has also been a substantial aid in this transformation.  She let me borrow this book, you may have heard of it as a movie… called “Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. I can so relate to her feelings… the failed marriage… the doubt and struggle that she goes through in order to become closer to God. In addition I have turned my attention to a band from the 90’s that I used to listen to ALL the time when I was in private school, The Waiting, a Christian rock group. I have searched high and low for the old tape that I used to have of theirs, but it seems to elude me. Thankfully, there is iTunes. I found the album! Now… as most of you know, I am no Christian.  I don’t profess to be, but sometimes I like to sing songs that praise God. So, I downloaded the album and have been blissfully caught up in the words and praise to Our Father in Heaven.

What a difference this mindset has created in me! I see love everywhere; I feel it now, more than ever. I had foreseen this time that Jeff would be gone as dark and miserable… and I have been entirely floored at the happiness that simply wells from me. I feel the creative side that has eluded me for years swelling in the anticipation to write again. To create something out of nothing, whether it be cooking, which I hate, writing, singing, dancing, or just plain dreaming of things to create.

This is a truly exciting time for me. I’m looking for a job again, the first time in years. I want to get out and see people, to interact with other people, and spread the love that I feel swelling from within me. Whether it be with a shoulder to cry on, or a simple smile, I want to share it. SO EXCITED!!!

Also, I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving here in the states. Mine was phenomenal.  Light, and love.

Love and light.

Oh life, why must you be so precarious? Just when I had reached a point of security and happiness over the weekend from being with my mom and grandma, you throw another curve ball in my direction. I was full of love and light, and now, I’m scrambling desperately for funds to stay in the place that I deem “home” before Friday… at which point we will be without a home.

After talking with my mother, at length, I came to the conclusion that I should be thankful for these life lessons that I keep getting bombarded with. I have also come to the conclusion that I should be facing these challenges head on, and with love. “Express love for each obstacle that you must traverse.” To be thankful for the  lessons that I am learning, is something I have yet to learn, but in time, I feel that I will become a guru of all things challenging. I feel I have chosen these lessons to be learned in this life, thus raising the bar for myself and those around me. I am trying my hardest to place my Faith in the Higher Power that puts everything in motion, reminding myself constantly that things DO get better, and that they will. A hard reminder to keep in place, in such hard times.

I suppose the point of this post is to enlighten everyone of where we are, and to express my deepest gratitude for all the prayers that have gone out on behalf of Jeff and myself. They are most assuredly appreciated, as well as the positive affirmations, thoughts and love. I have to remind myself that this is just a phase, and that everything in time fades. Everything, that is, but Love.

Now, off I go to wander the internet and get lost in hypnotic music. Love and light.

Living in this life.

So, here I sit, pondering the meaning of life and what have you again.  The journey I’ve experienced until this point, I think, has been pivotal in all things suffering and emotional. I have learned in great excess to become numb to the daily grind of life and therefore push my feelings to a back burner until such time as it is appropriate to let them loose. This is usually done in the privacy of my room, away from all the strife and confusion of my living situation, with my beloved husband at my side to comfort me and kiss away the tears. I truly don’t know where I would be without him. He has made this “life transition” more tolerable to bear.

To the point of this post: Jeff recently lost his job, and therefore any income with which we might have had, meager as it was, is gone. We have possibly $5 to our names, and no way to pay this months’ rent to help our roommates out, much less any other bills. I find myself during this time flipping back through pictures and documents of my childhood, and reliving the feeling of freedom and the lack of responsibility vicariously. Wasn’t it great when you were a kid, and you didn’t have to worry about money, rent, a car payment, an electric bill, or how to put food on the table? But in the same breath, I personally, couldn’t wait to grow up and be free from my parents (and grandparents) rule. I find now that those were the sweet days, the days in which I could BE a kid. I remember playing… PLAYING… with a stick and a rope in my grandparent’s back yard and being completely enthralled for hours on end. A stick and a rope was all I needed to be happy. Now I don’t even know what “happy” means… Jeff mentioned the other day that I rarely smile anymore… I wonder when everything changed…

What a curious thought to have. “When did everything change…?” Perhaps it isn’t that things have changed, but that I have. I wonder (I’ve noticed I say that a lot these days.) when I stopped seeing the magic in life, in everything around me, and became so numb and cynical. And, is this what it means to be an adult?  If it is, I want a frickin refund!!

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Remember, you are loved.

A night alone...

So, here I sit, with no moon in sight, alone and at home. The lights are off... windows are open... as I sit here and cuddle my cat, Anakin, as the cool breeze moves around us. I sit here, pondering and mulling over my place in this world. My divine purpose. After much thought, my purpose in THIS life seems to elude me.
Now, for those of you who have experienced such an epiphany, I welcome to you join me on the bench of the purpose-less. The deep and dark place of solitude that very few of us want to venture with the thought of "What if this is as good as it gets?"
For those of you that haven't, it is a melancholy conclusion to reach for anyone, as I'm sure you can imagine. It's disheartening and sends your gears turning. Sending your psyche whirling in as many different directions as you can imagine. You think about what you can do to change this path you're on... and you try to fight this realization kicking and screaming.
I, personally, have been kicking and screaming a LOT lately. Wondering about going back to school, finding a job, or otherwise compromising my mental health to get ahead, so that Jeff, my husband, doesn't have to work himself sick and miserable. It really is very exhausting to worry and think about things that are basically outside of your control as much as I have been lately.
I suppose, for now... I will remain lost in this limbo of thought. To ponder and wonder some more on what my divine purpose is. I wish, more than anything, that my Granddaddy were here to give me some direction on my purpose. He always knew the right things to say and do to motivate me in the right direction, despite his perception that I never listened to him.
As always, thank you for reading my ramblings... be safe, and know that you are loved. If not by anyone else, then by me.

My First Entry... My journal to the moon.

Here I am, at four in the morning, wide awake and pensive. So, what better to do than start a Blog. You may be sitting there thinking "Journal to the moon? What's that about?"... so I'll tell you.

When I was a teenager, I was very angsty.  I thought that there wasn't anyone in the world that could relate to what I was going through, and therefore remained secluded to myself most of the time. My only solace was the moon... I would go out onto our back deck and sit, smoking my mothers stolen cigarettes, and talk to the moon for hours. It didn't matter how hot or cold it was out, I sat and talked, just letting things roll out of my mouth to the only... let's say... thing... that I thought would listen without judgment. I spoke to the moon about everything... boys, my feelings, my family, my desire to cut, and even my dog.

I'll be honest, I wrestled with what to call this blog for over an hour, until I stepped away from my laptop and went outside to smoke... not my mothers stolen cigarettes this time... and there it was. The Moon. In all it's brilliance and wonder... my old friend. It then occurred to me that it had been ages since I sat down and just talked to the moon. I don't know now what made me stop talking... just that I did. Maybe it was because I never got a response... maybe I felt that it just stopped listening. Who knows. What I do know... is that it's high time that I did start talking to the moon again... which is the point of this blog. You, my reader, will act the part of the moon... and I... well, I guess I'll be me. Feel free to add comments, or whatever have you. I hope you enjoy my ramblings, as I'm sure that's what they'll be for some time, until I get some bearing on what I REALLY want this blog to be about. Thank you for taking the time to read... who knows, perhaps you'll learn a bit about me in the process.